These varments are our natural born enemies! So allways "Shoot first THEN take a drink of beer. NEVER both at once"!

Animals

These maybe be your pets/food but, if they attack you KILL 'EM! Then you'll eat 'em.

Mosquito

You may have heard a yarn or two about the size of the insect life here in the deep south. Now, I suggest ya don't take these stories too lightly, 'cause I've seen some mosquitoes in my time that could suck a full-grown steer bone dry. Hell, some farmers 'round these parts even claim that a 'skeeter can carry off a javelina if it gets hungry enough. Ain't no bug repellent in the world gonna keep these bastards away, so ya best be keeping a loaded shotgun handy if'n you're gonna go traipsin' through the backwoods.

Chicken

Chickens really don't make good huntin', 'cause they just ain't much of a challenge. Now I reckon ya might be able to get 'em riled up enough to provide some decent target practice, but as far as I'm concerned, they's generally just a pain in the ass, and is constantly gettin' in yer way. Nope, if ya ask me, a chicken is at its best when its floatin' way down at the bottom of a J. Cluck's deep fryin' vat.

Cow

It always amazes me how many slugs you can pump into a cow before she'll go down. Hell, I hit one with my truck once and it took the radiator and grill completely out. Damn thing just kept on walkin' cross the road too, as if it never paid me no mind. I'll tell ya, them animals make for some great cover when yer ass is in a bind. They ain't so bright though; I tipped one over once and it took it nearly a whole day to figger out how to get back up.

Dog

Dogs round here ain't like them lazy city dogs; they gots t' earn their keep. You be might careful not to go messin' round with no farm dogs, 'cause they're awful temperamental about strangers bein' in their territory. Ya best pay attention to what I'm sayin' now, 'cause if ya get one of them mongreloids after yer ass, you'll be prayin' fer the fastest cowboy boots that's ever graced the face of this earth.

Pig

Don't you be shootin' no pigs now, ya hear. Some of my most favorite things on this earth is made from them critters. Somehow, them animals always seem to lift me up when I'm feelin' down. 'Sides, they ain't quite as dumb as chickens and cows ya know. Piss off a javelina and she might just gnaw yer foot off if'n ya ain't careful.

Aliens

These aliens are the thiefs that stole our pig! So go kick some out-of-this-world @$$!

Turd Minion

Rumor has it that them turd minions is actually made from alien fecal matter. Yup, you heard right, alien shit! Seems them buggers have found some kind a way to recycle their own crap. They bring it to life and use them little buggers to do all their work for 'em. Damn, I'm startin' to think I'm on the wrong side here. I mean, can ya imagine it? You could take a dump and have the little turd go plow the back 40! Ah, just as well, those little freaks probably would never get a lick o' work done, the way they always be hoppin' around like that. Nope, more likely they wouldn't be worth... Well, worth a shit I imagine.

Alien Hulk Guards

Well now, them alien critters don't appear to be the sharpest pencils in the box, but I'll be damned if they ain't the biggest. Not only that, but they is armed to the teeth (and I think even those might be weapons too). Far as I can tell, those bastards is some kind of half critter, half machine type thing. All I know fer sure is that if you really wanna kill one, ya better blow his ass to bits. Otherwise, they seem to have some kinda backup battery contraption that keeps rechargin' after a while.

Alien Vixens

It just pains my heart to have to fight such a luscious example of feminine beauty. Hell, half the time I don't know whether to shoot her, or to f... errr, kiss her. I guess when it comes right down to it though, I just cain't stomach gettin' my ass whupped by some leather wearin' bitch. I must admit though, them twin machine guns look purty appealin'. 'Course, you wouldn't never catch me tryin' to use a contraption like that... not in public anyhow.

Country Folk

These enemies MAY look like some of your kin, but don't be fooled, they ARN'T! They really clones! So KILL 'EM! (If you read this page, you would know what I was going to say ;)

Skinny Old Coot

Most of the town folk are a bit scared of that skinny old coot. No one can say fer sure how old he is, but he's been livin' round here since long before anyone else can remember. Folks say he's been touched by some bad mojo, and now he cain't be killed. A few people have even claimed that they've actually seen the old man die. Somehow though, he always manages to come back. To make things worse, the old fart hates trespassers, and thinks he owns the whole county. Hell, he's so damn old that maybe that's not so impossible to believe.

Billy Ray Jeeter

Billy Ray has always been a bit of a loner, and doesn't care much for comp'ny (even though he does consider most folks to be his counsin, an' in his case, he's likely right). Like many folk round these parts, Billy Ray swims in the shallow end of the gene pool, if'n ya catch my drift. Because of several generations of... errrr... selective breedin', he is one mammoth of a man. That boy's skull is so thick, I swear you could crack a bowlin' ball on it.

I heard a rumor about Billy Ray recently. Word has it he was out frog giggin' in the swamp late one night, and one of them alien space ships sucked his big ass up. They say they done cloned that boy, but was so disappointed with the results, they dumped the whole lot back into the swamp. Now I guess there's supposed to be hundreds of them Billy Ray clones traipsin' about, and no one knows which is the original. Hell, I don't see what's so hard to figger out... just look for the one with the corn mash on his breath.

Sheriff Hobbes

Sheriff Hobbes is not a man to cross when on the wrong side of the law. For that matter, he ain't a man to cross when on the -right- side of the law neither. Lester T. Hobbes makes it well known that he puts up with no guff in his county. You'd probably find his brand of southern justice is a might extreme, so be sure ya don't get on his bad side if ya don't wanna end up in the swamps feedin' the 'gators.